More Than a Phrase: What 34 Years of Marriage Has Taught Me

I’ve been “married for 34 years to the love of my life.” Just that short phrase tends to catch people’s attention. Many hear it and think, “Wow, they must have a great relationship.” Maybe they imagine that, sure, there have been some bumps along the way, after all, no marriage is perfect but still assume it’s mostly been smooth sailing.

The truth is more complicated than that. 

Many have no idea how deeply wounded a marriage can become, even when “the love of my life” is still said with sincerity. Marriage is hard. Really hard. Loving someone selflessly, especially when that person has hurt you, disappointed you, or sinned against you requires a grace that doesn’t come naturally. And when those wounds aren’t just occasional but repeated, year after year, it becomes even harder.

So, what’s the secret to staying married for decades?

Some say it’s good communication. Others point to regular date nights or deep spiritual and physical intimacy. And yes, those things matter. But what happens when none of those things are working perfectly? What do you do when even the best advice doesn’t seem to hold things together?

The truth is, marriage carries all the normal weight of life, like financial pressures, parenting stress, health struggles, emotional exhaustion. And then there’s our culture, which constantly whispers, “If it’s broken, just walk away. Start fresh.” But marriage isn’t an app you can reboot. There’s no reset button on a covenant made by to people.

If I can be honest, I’ve failed many times over the 34 years, especially in the way I’ve loved my wife. I haven’t always led her well. I haven’t always responded with gentleness or grace. The challenge hasn’t been loving her, it’s been learning how to love like Christ when my own pride or wounds get in the way and yet, one thing has held us together: the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (ESV)

Jesus loved us first when we were at our worst. And because of His selfless love, we are learning (imperfectly) to love one another the same way. That’s not romantic idealism. That’s gritty, Gospel-shaped endurance. The truth is, it’s easier to say “you’re the love of my life” than to live it out every day. And we simply aren’t strong enough to do it on our own. We need the power of the Gospel to teach us how to love, forgive, serve, and hope again.

That’s why we’re still here. Still married. Still loving. Still trusting. What about you?

Maybe your story is different. Maybe you’re in a season of joy or in one of pain. Maybe you’ve been married for decades, or maybe you’re just learning what love requires. Wherever you are, I’d love to hear your story.

What’s been your greatest challenge in loving someone?
And what’s been your greatest joy?

Let’s keep the conversation going. We weren’t meant to do this alone.